When I was younger and dreamed about having a family, I always imagined all the fun things I would do with my kids and the exciting adventures we would go on, especially during the summer months. I always loved summer vacation as a child and my mom always had fun things for us to do and experience. And it started out that way for us when it was just Jack at first and then when Ethan was a baby. We had all kinds of great outings to amusement parks, the zoo, berry picking, playdates and cookouts with friends, etc.
But then Ethan got a little bit older. The up's were he was finally walking! Finally feeding himself!! Finally communicating!!!
The down's were he would only walk when he wanted to and often times would just stop half way to where we were going and not budge. Or he would throw a fit at a restaurant and not eat anything, or throw things off the table. Mostly it's not listening and following my direction. Sometimes he will but I can't always count on it.
And then Wyatt joined the family and it was an extra kid to carry when Ethan refused to walk and also picking up the bad habits of his older brother, with whom he spent the most time with.
I love my kids with all my heart and I'm filled with pride when Ethan accomplishes something new - which is usually a very simple task for a typical kid but one that has taken him months to master - but part of me is sad at not being able to do all the things I hear the other mothers are doing with their kids. And, I'll admit it, sometimes feeling like a bad mother.
Spring break is next week and summer is not far behind and all I can think about is the fun things I would love to do with the boys while Jason is busy with work and traveling but find too overwhelming and daunting at this stage to do on my own, such as long lazy days at the library (we just took the boys last week and it took both Jason and I to keep Ethan and Wyatt from throwing all the books off the shelf and we got so frustrated that we had to leave after about 15 minutes), outings to the movies, visits to the waterpark, and basic adventures around town. Even trips to the store are a challenge!
I know it won't be long before we'll be able to do all that fun stuff but it still makes the school vacations hard on me right now.
So for now we'll just focus on doing the things that we CAN do, and luckily there are a lot of those! We have a great local park that the kids love to visit, a great home filled with lots of toys, movies and arts and crafts, and a father that works from home (when he's not traveling) that can sneak off early sometimes to help with an adventure. I'm even going to attempt a flight to Seattle on my own with the boys this summer (insert prayer here).
Even though we are not doing the things that I thought we would be at the ages they are, I am blessed with three wonderful boys who fill my days with endless wonder. And I have great friends that are always there for me when I need them.
While life with Ethan is a challenge, it's also a wonderful journey that is teaching all of us important life lessons that will enrich our lives forever. This is not a pity-party for me, simply an insight into the every day life of a family with a special needs child.
And my up's are better and far outweigh the down's!
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